I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
