yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
