i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My cat gives me a boner
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
