Swine flu. Run for my life!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize