You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
