I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It's Friday. Sex?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
