How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize