One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
