just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
