I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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