He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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