She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
