Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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