I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
