i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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