Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
