I accidentally had phone sex last night
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
