After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
