he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We are all done wearing pants today
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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