my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
