I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
