So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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