I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
