So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
