you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize