There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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