I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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