TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
