i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
