I love black thongs
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
