Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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