so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
