I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Randomize
