Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
