I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
