IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
