I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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