Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
