A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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