Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
