i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
