Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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