my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize