There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize