I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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