When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
