wakey wakey hands off snakey
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He did a backflip because drugs
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
