chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
