woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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