I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
