Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
