take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
