the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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