My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
