So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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