wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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