you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
