his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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