been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
